While Eli was in Athens we met a few more times. We always got a room in the same hotel he was staying in, and we’d go out to eat, go do other fun stuff, and just talk. We talked about everything. It was like finding the person you were supposed to be with your whole life and having to fill them in on all they had missed. It was like we were supposed to be together from day 1. I’ve never experienced that with anyone before.

We went out with his co-workers to eat and watch a boxing match. We went and played pool one night. But… There was one night that will forever be burned into my brain.

He and I had gone to eat at a Mexican restaurant and we had a great night. We were sitting in the hotel room together and he said he wanted me to listen to a song. It was in Spanish and since I didn’t speak Spanish as the song played he translated it to me in English.

It was yet another moment the world stopped while with Eli. I remember asking him if he was saying the words to me so I would understand or if he was actually saying the words to me. He said… Both!

And THAT I know for sure was the night I fell in love with Eli.

A love I had never felt before. A love that would teach me the meaning of loving another human being that didn’t actually come from my body. Eli captured my soul that night and I visit that memory often because the feeling is one I’ll treasure for the rest of my life.

The song?

Que Bonito Es Querer….

Eli sent me several songs during the time we were together. They always made my heart flutter and I saved everyone. But that song to this day stops me in my tracks, catches my breath, and I can feel his presence in it every time.

 

Hoy no es 14 de febrero
Pero te quiero regalar
Las estrellas que hay en el cielo
Tal vez te las pueda bajar

Y es que tu
Me elevas hasta el cielo amor
Con cada palpitar
De tu dulce corazón

Y es que yo
No puedo ocultarlo amor
Me encantas y es verdad
Y hoy vengo con la intención

De decirte te quiero
Me gustas y quiero
Intentarlo contigo
Una y otra vez

Y es que tú me fascinas
Hay mira mi niña
No hay en el mundo
Ninguna mujer

Que se asemeje un poco
A tus ojos divinos
Con esa sonrisa
Me hace enloquecer

A tu belleza interna
Tú forma perfecta
De decir te quiero
Me enchina la piel

Por eso me enamoré

Y es que tu
Me elevas hasta el cielo amor
Con cada palpitar
De tu dulce corazón

Y es que yo
No puedo ocultarlo amor
Me encantas y es verdad
Y hoy vengo con la intención

De decirte te quiero
Me gustas y quiero
Intentarlo contigo
Una y otra vez

Y es que tú me fascinas
Hay mira mi niña
No hay en el mundo
Ninguna mujer

Que se asemeje un poco
A tus ojos divinos
Con esa sonrisa
Me hace enloquecer

A tu belleza interna
Tú forma perfecta
De decir te quiero
Me enchina la piel

Porque yo
De ti me enamoré
Que Bonito Es Querer

The other day while on my way out of town I passed the hotel we met at the first time and several times as we started dating…

I don’t think I’ve ever had so much emotion hit me at one time. Tears uncontrollably spilled from my eyes, my stomach went in knots, my chest felt like it was caving in. So much emotion of one of the most amazing moments ever.

The first time we slept together was September 5th, 2018. We had our first date the Saturday before, and he wanted to meet again as soon as he got back. He was supposed to come back on Monday (he said), didn’t make it back until Tuesday, and wanted to meet on Wednesday.

We did…

He got a room for us, told me where to meet him, and as I walked into the hotel room I could feel his excited energy.

Something about Eli that I loved is that I started feeling his energy the moment I met him. It was instantaneous. It was fast, excited, happy, but erratic energy.  It was just exciting and had so much fire. I’ve never felt another person’s presence like I did his.

Within about 60 seconds he was all over me, and I was swept away in intense passion.

It was like everything stopped. Time, the world… Everything!

It was just he and I.

Sex has never meant much to me. I wasn’t taught what it was supposed to mean anything. It wasn’t talked about at all when I was growing up, and I never saw a REAL relationship growing up. I thought it was just something you did because it felt good.

I wont say I fell in love that night, but sex for the first time had a feeling of not only being physical, but soul moving.

We were together a few times that night, and then in the morning before he left for work.

I figured after we were done he would return to his room with his co-workers, but he stayed and slept next to me all night.

As I got up the next morning for the drive home my head was full of so many thoughts.

What had happened? What was that feeling?

I’m not one who falls easy. I don’t get caught up in feelings. I was 6 months out of a hellish relationship and didn’t want any kind of relationship.

I stopped and grabbed some coffee and went straight to my best friend to tell her everything. All she said was… “You’re in trouble…”

She knew before I did by just looking at me what was about to happen. Not the ending, but she saw the beginning all over me.

This was such a unique experience. It wasn’t just the sex. It was the immediate soul connection I felt to him through sex, and it was the start to making love to someone not just with my body, but with every part of my existence.

I could go without sex for a lifetime with anyone else now. Because I know that feeling is unique to only one person ever…

I wasn’t going to share this. It felt too private, but the more I tried to keep this in the more consuming the thoughts and feelings of Eli became. If getting this out doesn’t help I’ll delete this, but in my healing my soul is forcing me to let EVERYTHING out.

August 25th, 2018… It’s burned into my mind like my own birth date. It’s the night that I’d forever be changed. I didn’t know it that night, but I knew SOMETHING was coming. I had two choices after that night…

Ignore everything and continue on with my life and save myself from a massive heartbreak, or continue on and hope that the worst wouldn’t happen.

I continued on…

We planned to eat at Taco Mamacitas at 8, but he got held up and didn’t make it until almost 9. I was sitting at the bar with my back towards the door when he walked in. I was drinking a cider beer and when he walked up behind my chair I couldn’t see him, but I felt him. Not with his touch, but just his energy. I felt his presence…

I turned around to the best smile I’ve ever seen and eyes that looked like they wanted to eat me. That first look I just can’t get out of my mind, and I hope I never do. I hope if God ever takes my memory he will at least leave me with that one.

As we said hello he suggested we get a table instead of sitting at the bar.

The waiter sat us and we began “small talk”.

He was a bit shy, seeming to play it cool, and all I could think was…

This guy is a total fuck boy. DO NOT sleep with him. Have fun tonight, and you’ll probably never see him again.

I was both wrong and right…

We sat there and talked about ourselves and I saw his shyness start to go away. After a bit, he reached over and ran his finger down my arm telling me he loved my complexion and my freckles.

I talked him into trying a cider beer, we ate a few “tacos” (the place doesn’t have REAL tacos) and plantains, talked for a bit and decided to head over to a Latino club called Club La Pachanga.

As we were walking towards my car, he grabbed me and kissed me.

That kiss… I had NEVER been kissed so passionately in all of my life. The electricity that went through my body stunned me. The way he held me so close, the way his lips felt… Just everything about that moment. It was… I hate to use the word because it’s so cliche, but… magic!

I’ll never have another kiss like that in my lifetime unless it comes from him and I never want to. That feeling is unexplainable, and the emotions it brings out right now are simultaneously heart warming and breaking… I can’t even think about it right now because I’ll fall apart.

We arrived at the club, and we danced to Latino hip hop, and then he completely blew the doors off my world and introduced me to bachata and other Mexican music. So many different dances in one night.

It was the most amazing date experience EVER. I wont go into details about after we left. We both know what happened, but we didn’t have sex that night. I told him I wanted to wait a bit, but would love to see him again. He said he was going to North Carolina the following Monday and would be back the following Monday, and we made plans to meet that Tuesday.

In the following days we texted each other here and there just talking about each other and what we were doing. He spoke of his daughter (he said he only had one) and I of my son. Just “get to know you” talk. Things you only tell each other if you’re actually interested in getting to know someone.

His intentions I have no idea of, but mine were to get to know him more because that first night with him left me wanting so much more.

We didn’t get to meet the following Tuesday. He said he was waiting to hear from his boss and wouldn’t be in until Wednesday…

We did end up meeting that following Wednesday and that was the true beginning of us.

I’ll have to save that story for another time. Seeing all of this in black and white it seems like just yesterday in some ways, and in some ways it feels like it was 20 years ago, but it’s too hard to go on with more right now.

I knew this date was coming and knew it would be hard for me because I’m so stuck in the memories of us. I’m having such a hard time moving forward with anything in life. So, I flew down to Puerto Rico to be able to get away, think on all that has happened, have some new experiences, heal my heart, and think about where I want my life to go from here.

Being here helps me escape the realness of what no longer is. If I would have stayed at home I’d be a hot mess in the middle of Taco Mamacitas and probably drunk out of my mind at Club La Pachanga crying to sad Mexican music. *lol*

These posts are my way of seeing everything and getting it all out in hopes that I can move on. I hope in the telling of the story that I can find peace and I pray that he has found it…

After those first few messages I can remember being excited to meet Eli. We shared a lot of pictures and he never asked for inappropriate ones like a lot of guys do. He was into so many things I was. Gym, soccer, actually going out and DOING stuff. I loved it and thought… Wow! This guy might actually be fun!

We talked about the day to day things we were doing and shared more about each other through text messages.

We made a plan to meet each other that Friday. He said he had some shopping to do and would love for me to show him around Chattanooga. He said he used to live in North Carolina, but came here for his job.

That was kind of true. He just left some details out. Some BIG details, but I’m not ready to go there yet. I want to live in the moments of how this all started. They were great moments! ❤️

We texted constantly in the days leading up to when we were supposed to meet. I forgot about a football game I was supposed to be at on that Friday and had to reschedule for Saturday the 25th. He was fine with that…

Later he revealed he thought I was backing out on him. Nope… I was telling the truth from day 1. My lies didn’t begin until his lies started to be seen. I’ll get to all of that…

Thinking back on these days before we met I’m still asking myself if I regret. I don’t… I truly don’t because that first date brought back something in me that I thought was long gone.

The English word for it is fire, but the Spanish word sounds so much better.

Fuego!

We’re three days from the night we first met, and it’s my favorite story of them all…

1 year ago today I was on Tinder. I was just looking to get started back dating and wasn’t looking for anything serious. Just someone to hang out with and go do fun stuff with. I was pretty straight forward about that in my profile.

I was swiping away and came across this face that stopped me…

Eyes that said you better keep moving and a smile that said I’ll take your heart without you even realizing it.

I should have taken that as an omen of what was to come, but I just couldn’t. I knew this was an experience I had to have. There was something there from the second I saw his picture.

I swiped right…

It was a match…

He had seen my picture and swiped on me.

His next message…

“I hoped we would match.”

Not original, but I messaged back.

He told me that my eyes and smile had caught his attention. That I looked like someone he was supposed to know.

Those first messages were about what we liked to do, married or single, kids or no kids.

I told him my story which was 1 son, was 6 months out of a relationship, and was looking for someone to have fun with.

My exact words were…

I have an amazing life that I’ve worked hard to build for myself. Now I’m just looking for someone to share it with.

He replied that he had 1 daughter and was originally from Mexico. He said his mom was from Mexico and his dad was from Honduras.

If you know him the only truth in that is his mom is from Mexico and so is he.

Today I’ve been thinking about this moment.

Why did I message back? Why did I continue to talk to him? Do I regret it now that a piece of my heart has been taken and I’m left to live without it.

As I said above. Something told me I was supposed to have this experience. We were in the right place at the right time. I continued to talk to him because he was captivating and could hold a conversation…

Do I regret it?

With tears in my eyes I say no. I don’t regret meeting Eli.

I have many regrets, but meeting Eli isn’t one of them…

I’ve got a story to tell. I’ve got something to let go of. This is the only way I know that I can use to let go, because nothing else is helping…